I don't know what it is about the weather, but the turns from cold to hot are kind of endearing. I find that on the days I feel down, the cold doesn't feel so cold, or the days I feel good, the days don't quite feel so hot. But I must confess, I'm not disheartened in everything. I have been looking at the past quite recently though, and I guess one could say I've never been the smartest, quickest thinking person.
So many times I look over the mistakes I've made and wonder "Did I have to do those?" or "What the hell was I thinking?"
So many times I've made friends and ditched them, not because I never wanted to see them again but because of the akwardness in seeing them after so long. Call it running away if you like. My entire life I've been taught to stand up when being accused, to deal with my problems head-on. If I don't run away from some things, I'll loose my mind.
With that in mind, I'm tired of everyone reminding me of how wonderful being in love is. Since I've never even experienced the fundamentals of a "crush" I can't even begin to identify with everyone,and yet every person I meet presses that it's time I find someone, soon.
Why soon? Why so quickly? I know life is short, but why should we force ourselves to do every thing so quickly so that the taste in life is bland and yet too sweet at the same time. Maybe I just don't understand. I've always been weird I guess. The things I think don't always make sense to others.
But, with all of this in mind, the change into Spring brings me unlimited joy, and I find myself running from the house into the taste of new beginnings, a new journey.
I hope that one day the scars I've brought about on my own heart will heal, but I know they won't ever go away. And if I don't find love, it's not such a big deal. The rest of life to me is more important, and I don't find that a lonely future.
One day it will all make sense to me.
I'm sure of it.
So with that thought, I brighten to the new day. I step out of my original thoughts and see the wavering clouds and the brilliant sunshine and think "What a nice day." My past transgressions are my past, my future transgressions are my future, and my present is the only way I can live it.
So what if I'm odd. So what if my decisions are flaky and fall through sometimes, whereas at others they are solid like stone.
I'm me. Can't I be?